SOMEWHERE BETWEEN A HOPE AND A FUTURE

This is where I’m sitting with my emotions right now. Which I thought was odd and inappropriate until I read my friend Cheryl’s CaringBridge entry, and she wrote about a new word. GOODHARD. Good & Hard can coexist just like I believe my Hope will come & go, but it doesn’t mean God has left me or that He doesn’t have a Future planned for me. I’ve not lost hope, but I often sit and wonder if this is how dying feels. I move slowly between my recliner and the bed and continue to challenge myself to “get moving” to a Future! Thank goodness for morning visits from Abbi and Carson that gives life to each day! 

These are a few random thoughts that I work my tired brain through. Warning: This is gut-wrenching, painful processing, that I’ve already warned my kids about. But it’s also my reality. Here’s my HOPE…that these decisions are many of years down the road! 

• I’ve got new babies to snuggle, pray for, and love. Abbi & Ian are having a baby boy in April. Making Carson a big brother....And Mitch & Lydia are also adding to the clan in the spring. So much to be excited about! SO much FUTURE! Did you catch that? TWO new babies in the spring!!! 
• How much funeral planning should I be doing? Or leave it all up to my family? I don’t want to overwhelm them with decisions. Alli & I already worked our way through a few forms and that’s been very helpful. 
• Pallbearers: who do I burden with carrying my steroid- bloated diseased body? Am I buried in an expensive wig I’ve worn 3 or 4 times? Absolutely! Gotta look good, but don’t expect an open casket, I’ve made it well known that I don’t want people staring at me. - Heck, I’m tired of being stared at now and I’m a living breathing human being. -- -- Reminds me … casket … do I pick it out? 
• Where do I want to die? Where do my kids want me to die? Here in my home where memories will live on for generations to come? Or in a hospice facility where everything can be managed for the good for all of us? 
•  FUTURE - Did I mention there’s more grandbabies in my future? There isn’t much more “future” than a brand-new baby. God is SO good! Except as soon as I hang up our new family picture it’s outdated. No problem! I’ll take it. 
• I want to travel. Not sure where but I’ve got a list of destinations to see. 
• I’ve got a responsibility to be fully present for my kids and grands … especially for Christmas. 

 If you find yourself between a HOPE and a FUTURE, dig into His word and find His promises for your own life. Please pray this FOR me, OVER me, and WITH me… 

“Dear Heavenly Father, Take my hands and gently lead me back to the middle of a HOPE and a FUTURE. A place of perfect peace where I can rest in your embrace. Amen.”

A fun video of Carson for some smiles...