This is where I’m sitting with my emotions right now. Which I thought was odd and inappropriate until I read my friend Cheryl’s CaringBridge entry, and she wrote about a new word. GOODHARD. Good & Hard can coexist just like I believe my Hope will come & go, but it doesn’t mean God has left me or that He doesn’t have a Future planned for me. I’ve not lost hope, but I often sit and wonder if this is how dying feels. I move slowly between my recliner and the bed and continue to challenge myself to “get moving” to a Future! Thank goodness for morning visits from Abbi and Carson that gives life to each day!
These are a few random thoughts that I work my tired brain through. Warning: This is gut-wrenching, painful processing, that I’ve already warned my kids about. But it’s also my reality. Here’s my HOPE…that these decisions are many of years down the road!
- I’ve got new babies to snuggle, pray for, and love. Abbi & Ian are having a baby boy in April. Making Carson a big brother....And Mitch & Lydia are also adding to the clan in the spring. So much to be excited about! SO much FUTURE! Did you catch that? TWO new babies in the spring!!!
- How much funeral planning should I be doing? Or leave it all up to my family? I don’t want to overwhelm them with decisions. Alli & I already worked our way through a few forms and that’s been very helpful.
- Pallbearers: who do I burden with carrying my steroid- bloated diseased body? Am I buried in an expensive wig I’ve worn 3 or 4 times? Absolutely! Gotta look good, but don’t expect an open casket, I’ve made it well known that I don’t want people staring at me. - Heck, I’m tired of being stared at now and I’m a living breathing human being. -- -- Reminds me … casket … do I pick it out?
- Where do I want to die? Where do my kids want me to die? Here in my home where memories will live on for generations to come? Or in a hospice facility where everything can be managed for the good for all of us?
- FUTURE - Did I mention there’s more grandbabies in my future? There isn’t much more “future” than a brand-new baby. God is SO good! Except as soon as I hang up our new family picture it’s outdated. No problem! I’ll take it.
- I want to travel. Not sure where but I’ve got a list of destinations to see.
- I’ve got a responsibility to be fully present for my kids and grands … especially for Christmas.
“Dear Heavenly Father,
Take my hands and gently lead me back to the middle of a HOPE and a FUTURE. A place of perfect peace where I can rest in your embrace. Amen.”
A fun video of Carson for some smiles...
